Bitches

I’m plagiarising myself from another blog, but whatever. I can’t afford to sue myself.

After being home from assorted travels for about a month, I’ve concluded one thing. I am not suitable for the first world. If I were in the States right now, I’d definitely be marrying into an Amish community (is that possible?) as to avoid anything and everything to do with money. Obviously, travel costs money and it can cost a lot, but the countries I was going to, your dollar goes further, or you could always play the “dumb tourist” card to get out of things. Also, I was working in Thailand, so I was getting enough moolah to live off without having to turn tricks at the karaoke bars by night. But thinking about it, I don’t think I have the right “equipment” for that kind of thing. 

So Sydney being its expensive self, I have spent the past month seeking out some kind of employment. Because I did an Arts degree, I am qualified to sell burgers, but I was hoping for something a bit more stimulating/better paying than that. Plus the fryers would not do my skin any favours. I haven’t the faintest clue what I want to be when I grow up (fact: 23 does not count as grown up), so that made it a little trickier to narrow down the job hunt. I initially came up with applying to become a travel consultant in a travel agency store. I figured I’d be great at telling people amazing places to go to with people they mildly care about where they could have relationship-altering arguments and try to bring weapons back into Australia and end up on ‘Border Security’. But I then remembered my lack of competitive spirit and disdain for anything monetary, and decided that sales probably wasn’t the way to go. I’m too lazy to live off commissions.

I hit the interwebs hard and applied for just about every job out there. If I got them all I would be a casual music teaching court transcriber hostel receptionist bar tending extra. Yep, I even applied with an extras agency. Here’s where I learnt that I probably shouldn’t be allowed into grown up world yet. I went to this interview with the agency, got measured (yep) and asked if I was ok with nudity (I told them that if people wanted to get naked around me, I’d be ok with that. They should be able to embrace their nude selves), and then somehow ended up paying for my own professional photo shoot and signing a contract. Yes, I am that stupid. The following day was the day of the shoot and I tried as hard as I could to cancel it and get a refund (this included busting out the waterworks over the phone. I don’t bust them out often, but they’re usually effective when they do come out to play), but the entertainment industry being the scum c*nts that they are (the experience did inspire me to create a new swear word. Bonus.) wouldn’t allow it, and so I was left penniless and sad, and still unemployed. I guess I’ll never be “girl in diner #3” on ‘Home & Away’ like I always dreamed.

See, my theory is that all that travelling in dysfunctional countries got me used to mishaps and disappointments, so when I was in the desperate situation of needing a job, I mindlessly said “yes” to anything the agency dick said, because it would be getting some kind of result (i.e. me with a job, albeit an unreliable one at that). I choose to apply this theory, instead of the one revolving around me being a moron. I need to preserve some kind of self esteem in these harrowing times.

So I wasn’t going to be a travel consultant, or dead-body-on-government-drugs-initiative-ad, so I decided to stick with what I know, and apply for a pub job. I tried at least five haunts in my area, nobody was nice and nobody had a job for Bitches. Then a mate of mine got me a job in a pub in a different suburb, and things seemed pretty sweet. I got along with the other bartenders and the locals (one man allowed me to call him a ‘slag’) and was getting back into the swing of pouring beers and pretending to listen to people. I did 3 and a bit shifts and was ready to accept this as my main source of income/activity. Then on the “and a bit” shift, I got called in to speak to the big wigs (not my mate, so don’t go thinking I’m befriending douchebags) and was told that I was not “at the level” needed. I guess my listening face wasn’t convincing enough for the locals, or I didn’t call them “darl” enough. Getting the sack is the last thing I need right now. I can’t even afford to be an alcoholic.

I think I must have just forgotten how the real world works. Not that I’ve ever really been in it, but I’m further away from it now than I ever was. Everyone just seems really on edge in Sydney, and out to screw anyone if it betters their own situation. I’m just not competitive or bothered enough to play that game (I don’t like playing games I’ll probably lose. This is why I avoid sports and Monopoly). Obviously I’d love to travel again, but there’s this thing called money that apparently you need in order to do anything remotely fun, enjoyable and/or necessary. Is anyone in the market for a kidney? There’s only so much rejection a girl can take.

I recently received an email from my “old friend”, Adriana;

From: s*****o@gmail.com
To: b*******8@hotmail.com
Subject: PRIVATE EMAIL —- IMPORTANT PLEASE READ —
Date: Sun, 12 Feb 2012 21:17:53 -0800

Untitled Document

BABE… i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what… I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago… and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol… ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in…are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused…anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe…

we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol…ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death… uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah…who doesnt.. IZI>

I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that…really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i did? hmm shud i……???? ok WELLLL… and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA… BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh…anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol… i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out….like i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal….every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else… the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF… i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER… i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room…

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U… im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move.. also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move… REALLY i mean that….anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont

wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha…k babe im out for now… chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana ZUH>

FREE VIP BYPASS LINK —-> http://bit.l ….. piK (please paste in browser hotmail blocks for some reason) 

I was touched by receiving such a heartfelt and personalised message, that I was driven to respond;

Adriana,